Mother
People judge me for leaving my son Christopher and my husband Ed but only I know what life was raising a child with autism. I’m not saying that I’m proud with what I did but I’m human and we make mistakes. I can’t deny that raising Chris was very challenging and stressful. I’m pretty sure that any parent that has a child with autism would agree with me. You have to be very strong and extremely patient with your child and I suppose I wasn’t up to those standards and that’s not good. Every day was hard with Chris from cooking a dinner for him, having a conversation, and just about anything that he didn’t like. It was really hard when Chris would do his tantrums in public because it wasn’t easy controlling him right away. Therefore, I think all the frustration and helplessness made me feel like being pushed against the wall and would make me lose my patients towards Chris, which I hated afterwards. My husband Ed seemed to be more comprehensive and patient. It seemed that Chris felt more of a bond with him than with me. In a way Ed had the motherly feelings that I didnt. Not saying that I didn’t love my son but he was much better with him. Seemed that that frustration that I got with Chris’s behavior created a factor and motive for Ed and me to argue and fight. Although we made sure that Chris wouldn’t see us or hear us, but I have to say that it wasn’t easy because our arguments and fights were more often. I was just fed up with Chris’s tantrums at home and in public, like the one that happened at the store, which I don’t like remembering. After that incident, things weren’t the same. We would spend time with Eileen and Roger her husband our neighbors and became good friends. Although I became really good friends with Roger and we would meet privately. He was a person I could talk to about my problems at home with Chris and Ed and Roger would share his problems about his wife. Things happened and we fell in love. Shortly afterwards Roger asked me to move with him to London, since he had requested his transfer and it was granted. I was confused of what to do because I didn’t want to leave without my son but I thought of how Ed and Chris had a better relationship and the fact that they never argued like Chris and I did, therefore, I thought I should leave for their sake. When I called Ed to let him know what I had planned to do, he told me not come back and that he wasn’t going to let me talk to Chris. Therefore, to make me feel better and not so guilty, I decided that I would write to Chris in a sense to keep in touch, but I never received a letter in return. The day that Chris was waiting at my apartment door, I was very happy to see him and at the same time surprised. After learning that he had accomplished the whole trip all by himself it made me feel very proud. Chris told me that his father had lied and told him that I had died of a heart attack in the hospital and my letters weren’t given to him. I can’t deny that I felt anger. Things weren’t easy with Chris living with Roger and I because I still dealt with Chris’s behavior problems. Roger wasn’t supportive as I would’ve wanted and things were just not the same and we weren’t close anymore. So I felt that we shouldn’t be together and decided that it was better for Chris and I to move back to Swindon. Can’t say that I don’t regret leaving Roger but the fact that I’m with my son is better. Chris and I live in our own place but he is able to spend time with his father. It’s still challenging dealing with his behavior at times but I know that I can do it even if his father isn’t with us.
